Category Archives: Funny things

The A – Student

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnny what is your problem?
Johnny answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!
The teacher had enough. She took Johnny to the principal’s office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions are explained to him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: “What is 3 x 3?
Johnny: “9
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?
Johnny: “36

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, “I think Johnny can go to the third grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “May I ask him some questions?” The principal and Johnny both nod in agreement.
The teacher asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Johnny, after a moment: “Legs.
Teacher: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, “Pockets.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I missed the last two questions.

Never get asleep when travelling

A London businessman boarded a train at Victory Station on his way to York. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict instructions to waken him and put him off in York.

“I’m a very heavy sleeper,” the passenger said, “and I may give you a hard time. But whatever you do, make sure to put me off in York… even if you have to put me off in my pyjamas.”

The next morning, the man woke up to find himself in Inverness. He located the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take that verbal abuse.

“That was nothing’,” the porter replied. “You should’ve heard the guy I put off in York.”

Things Brits say and what they actually mean

1. „I might join you later“
Meaning: I am not leaving the house today unless it’s on fire!

2. „Excuse me, sorry, is anyone sitting here?“
Meaning: You got 3 seconds to move your bag before I end you.

3. „Not to worry“
Meaning: I will never forget this.

4. Saying sorry as a way of introducing yourself.

5. „Bit wet out there“
Meaning: You’re going to need a snorkel because it’s absolutely pissing it down.

6. Ending an email with „Thanks“ as a warning that you’re perilously close to losing your temper.

7. „Right then, I suppose I really should start thinking about possibly making a move“ – Meaning: Bye

8. „If you say so“
Meaning: I’m afraid that what you’re saying is the height of idiocy

9. „With all due respect“
Meaning: You have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about

10. Saying „You’re welcome“ as quietly as possible to people that don’t say thank you but using it as a form of punishing them.

11. „I beg your pardon“
Meaning: 1. I didn’t hear you 2. I apologise 3. What you’re saying is making me absolutely livid
12. „It could be worse“
Meaning: I couldn’t possibly be any worse

13: „Each to their own“
Meaning: you’re wrong, but never mind

14. „Pop around anytime“
Meaning: Please stay away from my house

15. „It’s fine“
Meaning: It really could not possibly get any worse, but no doubt it will do

16. „Perfect“
Meaning: Well, that’s that ruined then

17. „A bit of a pickle“
Meaning: A catastrophically bad situation with potentially fatal consequences

18. „Not too bad, actually“
Meaning: I’m probably the happiest I’ve ever been

19. „Honestly, it doesn’t matter“
Meaning: Nothing has ever mattered more than this

20. „You’ve caught the sun“
Meaning: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano

21. „That’s certainly one way of looking at it“
Meaning: That’s certainly the wrong way of looking at it

22. „I’m just popping out for lunch, does anyone want anything?“
Meaning: I’m getting my own lunch now, please remain silent

23. „No, no, honestly, my fault“
Meaning: It was exceedingly your fault and we both know it

24. „No yeah that’s very interesting“
Meaning: You are boring me to death

25. „Just whenever you get a minute“
Meaning: Now!

26. „No harm done“
Meaning: You have caused complete and utter chaos

27. „I’m sure it’ll be fine“
Meaning: I fully expect the situation to deteriorate rapidly

28. „Sorry, I think you might have dropped something“
Meaning: You have definitely dropped that specific item

Quelle: anglotopia.net

British Airways

Speaking of airports in Germany, the one servicing the Hamburg area is known to be staffed by a rather snooty ground control crew. They expect you to know exactly where to go and what to do, which may lead to frustration on the part of aircraft captains new to the route. This is the account of one such flight in particular, concerning a senior captain …

“Tower, British Airways one-seven, completed rollout, awaiting further instructions.”
“British Airways one-seven, this is Hamburg ground, clear to taxi to Gate Seven.”
“Roger, Hamburg ground, request directions to Gate Seven.”
“British Airways one-seven, have you never been to Hamburg before?”
“Yes, a number of times, Hamburg ground, in 1944, but we did not stop!”

Die Aktennotiz

TO: All company personnel
FROM: Marketing Management
SUBJECT: Special High Intensity Training

In order to ensure that we continue to produce the highest quality work possible, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.). We are giving our employees more S.H.I.T. than any other organization in town.

If you feel you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your supervisor. You will be placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list for special attention.

If you consider yourself to be trained enough already, you may be interested in helping us to train others. We can add you to our Basic Understanding Lecture List, Special High Intensity Training (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.)

If you have further questions, please address them to our Head of Training, Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

P.S. With the personality some of you display around here, you could easily become the Director of Intensity Programming, Special High Intensity Training (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).